[REMOVED VOD] Live talk with Andy and his friend
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The sun is setting behind the main casino building and the marquee at the front of the parking-lot entrance reads "2009 ATROCIOUS FOOTBALL GAME MANAGEMENT CONVENTION.
DEALER: casually shuffling So, you're in town for this Atrocious Football Game Manager thing, huh?
STOOPS: stirring his drink somewhat nervously Yeah, I've been comin' for the last five years.
DEALER: Well, I know it says "ATROCIOUS" on the marquee, but whatever you lack in game management at football, you make up for at blackjack.
You're makin' all the right moves today, Coach.
STOOPS: Yeah, actually most of the time I make pretty good moves, but the problem is I'll make one stupid decision and then it kind of rolls downhill on me.
People say I don't handle adversity real well, but whatever.
Like the Oregon game this season.
At this moment, LSU head footballdressed in a purple sweat jacket and a two-foot-tall LSU baseball cap, sits down next to Stoops.
MILES: slapping Stoops on the back in a "hey buddy" manner What's happenin' Bob?
STOOPS: looking sheepishly at Miles I'm Mike, Bob's my brother.
How ya doin', Mark?
STOOPS: shaking head Fine.
MILES: andy blackjack dealer fired hands together All right, let's play some POKER, FELLAS!!
DEALER: Sir, this is blackjack.
MILES: pointing at Stoops Uh, he just said his name is Mark, and even I know he's not black.
Look out, because I'm a DAMN STRONG BLACKJACK PLAYER!
At this moment, Yale head football coach Tom Williams dressed in a dark blue Yale windbreaker sits down next to Miles.
DEALER: to Williams How we doing, sir?
WILLIAMS: All right, I guess.
I'm in town for this "Atrocious Game Management" thing.
I don't even know why I'm here.
STOOPS: Where do you coach?
WILLIAMS: My name is Tom Williams, I'm the head coach at Yale.
Stoops and Miles stare at Williams blankly.
Stoops and Miles shrug their shoulders, and shake their heads.
WILLIAMS: Anyway, it's a college up in the northeast, in Connecticut to be exact.
Our big rival is a school you may have heard of.
Stoops and Miles stare blankly at him.
Miles actually picks his nose and begins to stare at the booger on his finger.
I was told by my school's administration that I should attend this thing.
Apparently, they didn't think that it was an makes air quotes with his fingers "Ivy League type decision" to on 4th and 22 inside my own territory, leading by three in the fourth quarter.
MILES: Damn, I don't know what this Ivy League thing is, but do you mind if I write that play down?
Miles scrawls "FAEK PUNTT ON FORTH AND 22.
DEALER: All right, almost done shuffling.
MILES: pointing at Williams He said his name is TIM, not Jack.
DEALER: No, Coach Miles, we're getting ready to play cards.
At this moment, Texans coach Gary Andy blackjack dealer fired dressed in nylon Texans sweatpants and a longsleeve Texans rugby shirt and Patriots coach Bill Belichick dressed in a Patriots hoodie and khakis sit down at the table -- Kubiak next to Williams and Belichick to Kubiak's left in the "third base" seat.
So from "first base" to "third base" the table goes Stoops, Miles, Williams, Kubiak, Belichick.
STOOPS: to Kubiak and Belichick What's up guys?
Kubiak acknowledges the other three coaches with a nod.
Belichick completely ignores them.
The dealer completes the shuffle and looks around to see who needs chips.
Stoops, as mentioned earlier, has a good stack.
DEALER: to Kubiak Sir, do you need chips?
KUBIAK: fidgeting and making no eye contact I guess so.
What's the minimum bet at this table?
DEALER: Fifty-dollar table, sir.
Kubiak thinks about it for a minute and then puts a fifty-dollar bill on the table.
DEALER: Sir, this is enough for one hand.
KUBIAK: Yeah, I'm gonna play one hand at a time.
A lot can go andy blackjack dealer fired in blackjack.
DEALER: rolling his eyes CHANGE FIFTY!
Slides two green chips to Kubiak.
DEALER: looking incredulously at Stoops Sir, you want to bet your whole stack?
STOOPS: beginning to hyperventilate YEAH!
I'm feelin' it all of a sudden!!
DEALER: But, but sir.
Stoops calms down slightly as snot bubbles form in both nostrils and drool drips down his face.
Dealer deals the table its hand and it looks like this: STOOPS: KING and 3 13 andy blackjack dealer fired MILES: QUEEN and 7 17 total WILLIAMS: JACK and KING 20 total KUBIAK: 8 and 5 13 total BELICHICK: 9 and 8 17 total DEALER: 8 showing and second card face down, obviously DEALER: Ok, first base.
STOOPS: face turning beat red, sweat pouring off his brow HIT ME!!
Dealer gives him a three.
DEALER: You've got 16.
STOOPS: face now turning purple FUCKING HIT ME!!!!!
Dealer gives him another three.
YOU GOT AN EIGHT SHOWING WHICH MEANS IT'S GONNA BE EIGHTEEN AND I"M GONNA WIN!!!!!!!!
At this very moment, dozens of Arizona students begin to gather around Stoops to high-five him and celebrate what they think will be a sure win.
DEALER: Sir, you haven't won yet.
Stoops pays no attention and begins doing the electric slide and Ickey Shuffle with random Arizona students.
Dealer turns to Miles, whose attention has been drawn away by a fly buzzing around the table.
DEALER: Coach Miles, you have seventeen.
MILES: Look at that fly, look at him go.
I wonder if he's pooping while he flies around.
MILES: oblivious to the dealer I want to kill that fly.
I'm gonna pretend that fly is AUBURN.
I'm gonna squash it.
DEALER: Sir, you have andy blackjack dealer fired seconds.
Just as the dealer counts three, the fly lands on the table next to Miles' cards, and Miles squashes it with his right hand.
DEALER: Hitting on seventeen.
Dealer gives Miles a four, giving him a 21.
DEALER: incredulously shaking his head.
The rest of the coaches just stare at Miles in disbelief.
Miles, completely unaware he even hit on 17, let alone pulled a four to get 21, is drawing his initials on the table using fly guts and giggling like an eight-year-old.
WILLIAMS: to himself, staring at Miles Luckiest fucker I've ever seen.
DEALER: to Williams Sir, you have twenty.
DEALER: But sir, that's a winning hand, the safe play-- WILLIAMS: SPLIT 'EM!!!
GOTTA KEEP THE PEDAL TO THE METAL!!!
DEALER: splitting the cards All right.
DEALER: flipping over an 8 Eighteen.
PEDAL TO THE METAL!!!!
DEALER: Hitting on 18.
WILLIAMS: hyped up as if he's on speed THAT'S OK!!!
DEALER: flipping over an ace Twenty one!!
DEALER: But sir, I was only kidding about the eleven.
PEDAL TO THE METAL, BITCH!!!
PEDAL TO THE METAL!!!
Sir, I recomm-- WILLIAMS: HITTTT MEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Williams remains in his seat, rocking back and forth like a prisoner in solitary, slowly muttering "pedal to the metal.
The dealer turns his attention to Kubiak and his 13.
DEALER: Sir, learn more here have thirteen.
The odds say you should hit this here.
KUBIAK: Yeah, I know, but think of everything that could please click for source wrong here if I hit on the 13.
I mean, what if I get a 9.
Then I would bust.
Plus, I've seen people win with 13 before.
If I just sit here with this 13, then you're gonna have to beat me.
It's a little like having a 49-yard field goal attempt; sure, I could try and move it closer and make it easier on my kicker, but then what if something goes wrong, like an interception or a fumble or a sack?
No thank you, andy blackjack dealer fired sir.
Thirteen is what I've been dealt, I shall stay on my 13.
DEALER: noticeably shaking andy blackjack dealer fired he turns his attention to Belichick Um, wh-wh-what would you like to do, andy blackjack dealer fired />BELICHICK: I know what I have, I'm not blind.
DEALER: Are you sure-- BELICHICK: Don't start giving me percentages.
You have an eight showing, which means 18 is the most likely hand you have.
I have 17, which last I checked does not beat 18.
DEALER: But the percentages hitting on 17 are.
BELICHICK: LISTEN, you little worm.
I have 17, which is less than 18.
Points at Miles You gave Coach Gump down there a four on his 17.
DEALER: slowly turning the card over.
Belichick immediately gets up from the table, slugs a cocktail waitress carrying a tray of drinks, and storms off to the men's room.
Kubiak sits there staring at the eight Belichick just pulled and hopes no one notices that he would have had 21 if he had just played the percentages and taken a hit.
At this point, the hand still has Stoops with a 19Miles with his fly-killing-induced 21and Kubiak staying on 13.
Dealer turns his face down card over.
DEALER: Dealer has 15.
The Arizona students behind Mike Stoops are going crazy, high-fiving the coach and congratulating him on a win that has not yet happened.
Dealer flips over next source />DEALER: Dealer has 20.
Dealer looks at Stoops' 19 and takes his chips, leaving him with nothing.
The Arizona students previously surrounding Stoops immediately retreat to wherever they came from.
Stoops flips over his chair and starts ripping mirrors off the wall, kicking civilians in the nuts, and screaming "I'M SUCH AN IDIOT, I'M AN IDIOT, I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!!!
DEALER: See, if you had just hit on 13, you'd have had 21.
It was the smart play.
KUBIAK: Yeah, it was my fault for sure.
I wasn't ready to go today.
Kubiak looks at the dealer Definitely, not your fault, kid.
Sir, I'm 68 years old.
At this point, a voice comes over the public address system.
VOICE: Attention all coaches in town for the Atrocious Game Management Convention.
Andy Reid's session on "Why It Makes Perfect Sense to Kick a Field Goal, Down 7, With Less than Two Minutes to Go" will begin in the Kotite Room in approximately two minutes.
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter s - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' seems chance of perfect pair blackjack apologise />KUBIAK: Well, guess I better going.
DEALER: joking It is if you have a couple timeouts left, it's plenty of time.
MILES: What is a "time out"?
Sean Pendergast is a contributing freelance writer who covers Houston area sports daily in the News section, with periodic columns and features, as well.
He also hosts afternoon drive on SportsRadio 610, as well as the post game show for the Houston Texans.
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